Society has considerable expectations
around women as mothers; the kind of mother we will be, the things we will do
and, therefore, the sort of children we will produce – these are matters that
Society, like a strict and judgmental Aunt, has strong views on. And to make it easier, Society likes to give us little labels, quite as if we were Spice Girls: Tiger Mother, Routine Mother, Hugger Mother, Sancti-Mother, Hipster Mother, Slacker Mother and so on. And hey, who cares that the labels don't actually fit anyone?
In one way, we cannot blame Society for
this – after all, our children are part of the story. The way they grow up, the
sort of people they will become, will influence the shape of Society in the
future. The few who are extremely brilliant or extremely dysfunctional will
have, perhaps, a direct impact – by inventing a new type of energy, or killing
a president, for example – the vast majority will simply be an organic part of
a constantly-shifting mass, gently moving it minute distances in one direction
or another.
So, I accept that Society has a vested
interest in what we mothers do and how we do it. The problem is, Society’s
views on the matter are quite contradictory.
On the one hand, and starting at the
beginning, Society wishes us to behave like the High Priestesses of a temple
during pregnancy, ensuring that we carefully optimise our chances of producing
a perfect baby, because Society likes to work with good raw material. Society
wants us to form strong bonds with our babies, because that way they are more
likely to be emotionally stable and less inclined to riot or throw rocks at the
police. Society likes us to breastfeed, because that will limit the likelihood
of obesity in later life, and instill good early eating habits for the same
reason. Society wants us to listen and respond to the needs of our children,
because this gives them self-confidence and makes them less likely to become
alcoholics or drug-addicts.
Society, you see, is a complete catastrophist,
and incapable of nuanced response, always dealing in crazed disaster headlines,
never shades of grey. Things going wrong, for Society, always result in fire!
Famine! Dread! never just a bit of a shame.
But – don’t think of getting over-excited
and taking all this attachment stuff too far, because Society does not like it when it gets too extreme. Hugger Mothers are too hippy, too
free-flowing, too resistant to consumerism, and therefore likely to produce
children who may opt out of Society in order to start a commune, or become
irritatingly alternative about things like the emotional need for a new kitchen
or car. Breastfeed for too long – anything over a year, really – and suddenly
it becomes, not a benefit to mother and child, but something weird and a bit
off.
Refuse to discipline your child on the
basis that you believe in complete tolerance, and Society, just like that
strict Aunt, will get very finger-wagging about the need for boundaries. Tend
constantly to the needs of your child rather than your own, and Society will
tell you that you are raising a monster. Fail to dress nicely and have your
hair done regularly while you go about this business of raising children, and
Society will silently accuse you of Letting Yourself Go.
Yes, Society is utterly inconsistent in its
expectations around mothers, and sending out hopelessly mixed messages.
The real question is, how much should all
this matter to us? Of course, it’s nice to feel in step with our world, to bask
in the light of social approval around our ‘choices’, but does it really matter
a damn what Society thinks?
Well, yes, I would argue. For me, anyway. Because I am not at all immune to the
need for general good opinion. Perhaps I lack the courage of my convictions,
but I still like a little pat on the back from time to time, the feeling that I
am doing the right thing in the eyes of Society. And so when I let my children
sleep in my bed for too long (until about three months ago actually, in the
case of the three-year-old), I find myself hiding this information from those
around me, because I know they are going to say sternly, ‘that child needs her
own bed, you’re just encouraging her to be needy.’ When I breastfed the eldest
until he was nearly four, this was a dark secret, known only to my very
closest. When brisk friends asked ‘are you still feeding him?’ I would mutter
something about ‘not really,’ and turn the subject.
You are probably all thinking what an
almighty wimp I am, and you’re probably right. But such, I confess, is the
weight of social disapproval.
And so, when I see Society getting every
more prescriptive about the ‘Right’ and ‘Wrong’ way to bring up children, this
bothers me. There is so much judgement now around everything mothers do – from
the type of car seats we use, to the food we buy, to the kind and amount of
exercise our children get and the schools they go to – so much scrutiny and
advice, that it is quite head-spinning.
A friend who had her first baby recently
asked me, in all sad seriousness, if I thought she was seriously jeopardising
her baby’s future if she didn’t buy a flat-lying pram, even though she couldn’t
fit it into her car boot, ‘because the books say its bad for his back if he
doesn’t sleep lying flat.’ I said I truly thought he would be ok, and then I
thought how mean Society is to put mothers under extra, totally unnecessary
pressure. But also how Society is fundamentally decent, and would undoubtedly
back off it only it knew how unhelpful all this stuff is.
So, I thought I would tell it: Society,
back off! Stop watching and judging us. We will do our best, and it will be
good enough. The things we don’t do are because we cannot reasonably
accommodate them within our lives. As the old saying has it, anything that gets
past us, wasn’t meant for us. So leave us a alone and go and peer critically at
someone else for a change.
